Twenty-eight Things I'm Not

Been thinking about stuff I wanted to do and why I didn't do it.

I thought about becoming:

1.) A cloistered nun. Since the Carmelite “factory” was across the street from Kaelin’s on Newburg Road, where my parents took me for fried chicken, I originally wanted to become a nun. I would have made passionate love to the grocery delivery man and gotten kicked out of the order.

2.) An actress. My dad said I would get hooked on drugs. Besides, I didn’t want a director telling me what to do. I’d so be having Nancy Braun do my hair in LA, though.

3.) A stripper. I confess to this vocational interest in the novel. I would have liked the applause. The tips. Getting paid to dance, now that works. I’m not much of a night owl though and don’t like drugs. Or prostitution—too much quid pro quo. Note: I do not have a pole in my house. Raven does some amateur stripping in the manuscript for a special audience.

4.) A geriatrician. Said this is what I wanted to be when I interviewed for med school. Always dug old folks. But when pathology came along, I just got too into the visual, the patterns, and the colors at the microscope.

5.) An art historian. Like I said, I’m into visuals. Took two semesters of art history in college and still enjoy a day at the museum almost more than anything else. I never looked into it enough. Pardon the pun. Bought some art in Houston.

6.) A jingle writer at an ad agency. I used to write jingles for products when I was a kid. “Lite Beer, is the right beer, drink the right beer, to be light.” Advertising would have played to my creative talents and I’m sorry I didn’t explore it. Most of my friends in Chapel Hill are either old or in advertising.

7.) A rock guitarist. I’m probably never gonna forgive myself for not living this dream. I like to perform, and it would have been fun to make music and money at the same time. Not great for a family-oriented chick though. And I like to sleep at night.

8.) Pro cheerleader. I would have choreographed the routines and would have liked to have gotten to know Paula Abdul, but I had a fear of going under the knife for the enhancements.

9.) A newspaper editor. I had my own newspaper and typewriter in my basement when I was a kid. Mom let me cut school to meet my deadlines. And there I was, so close to the Binghams in Louisville. This may be a dying industry though.

10.) A forensic pathologist. I loved the show Quincy and I saw Jack Klugman at the track once. I guess I came pretty close to this job. As a pathology resident I really enjoyed working at the state medical examiner's office with Dr. George Nichols and Dr. Tracy Corey. After I had kids though, I didn’t like thinking about what a crime-laden world we live in. And unless there are other fun people in the morgue, I hate awfultopsies.

11.) Anything in a big city. I like the hustle and bustle of a big city. When I lived in Boston for a month in ‘93, it was hard to return to slowdown Kentucky.

12.) A writer. Dr. Hazelrigg tried to talk me into a graduate degree in English at Yale. I often think about that path not taken.

13.) A teacher. Well, I was a teacher at the med school, and because I like to perform, lecturing to one hundred people in an auditorium is pretty darn fun. I still lecture to students on rare occasion for the day job so this interest is fulfilled. At UT I got voted best lecturer and was asked out by students who brought “questions” to my office.

14.) A book agent. Not a bookie, that was my grandfather. Yes, if anyone wants to start agenting books to publishers, then give me a call and we can make a go at it. Let’s move to Manhattan, too.

15.) A detective/international espionage. With my pathology background I could have been Dana Scully. Nonetheless, I’m twisted enough without getting messed up by intel. My writing critique group in Raleigh included a former CIA agent and a retired FBI’er.

16.) A ballerina. This is another one that I wish I had done. Dancing. Music. Love. Applause. One day when I was five, my dance teacher in Buechel told me to sit Indian style and she pressed my knees down to the floor. Told mom I didn’t want to go back and no questions were asked. My torso to leg ratio is a bit off for this job, seriously.

17.) Music scout for Sony Records. Yeah, I could have done this. I think I have a knack for picking/predicting music talent. But the times, they are a changing, right?

18.) A writer for a TV show like Fringe or 24. I’m so there. Make the connection for me and it’s a done deal. When I was five, a writer for The Guiding Light visited a lady in our neighborhood, and I met her.

19.) Any bloody blokette living in the Huntingdon in Houston who has the doorman walk the dog.

20.) A Houston socialite. I like parties, Neiman's and museums. My dad wasn’t an oilman and I didn’t marry for money so I’ve been disqualified by fate and my actions. But oh, I could so hang with JoAnne Herring. I’d have a private jet for the Keeneland meets.

21.) Wind surfer. Buff bods in the water, here I come! I navigated the wind for a while my first year on faculty at UT. I joined the Galveston Bay Windsurfing Association. My instructor, Joe the Engineer, wanted “this for that” though. The president called me and said he had a thing for me. I became uncomfortable, but it was awesome while it lasted. Now that my Purkinje cells have decreased in number, it's challenging enough just to stand on one leg to shave the other in the shower.

22.) An opera singer. I like nice watches and the book Bel Canto. Do I qualify?

23.) A vintner in Cali. Yeah. I loved Falcon Crest.

24.) An importer of antiques from the south of France. My dear friend Eric Yvon is from Avignon, and we actually talked about doing this before he became a rocket scientist and before Americans wanted to change the words for French fries.

25.) An olive farmer in Italy. My Italian is getting rusty but my Mediterranean blood needs sun. Bab Corneo, are you in?

26.) Music writer for No Depression. Move over David Menconi—I want to cover the Triangle. I met Peter Blackstock in The Regulator and gave my signed copy to Walter Tragert when he played a party at the house in Austin.

27.) A member of LBJ’s cabinet. I just would have liked to have hung with Jack Valenti. Props to Troy Campbell for enlightening me in Austin Java one day about this one.

28.) A 60s groupie. Here I’m thinking Anita Pallenberg would have been my mentor. I was born in the wrong decade. Did you know the OED breaks groupies down into two types? My knowledge of the etiology of cervical dysplasia precludes me from becoming that type.